Reflections

So last night with the news of one of my scummies getting married (still giggling at the thought) I started thinking about my love life. I'm 24 years old, I've only had 3 serious relationships (I'm talking life changing relationships), and 6 sexual partners. But within those three serious relationships, I find myself repeating a pattern: PUSH EM BACK, PUSH EM BACK......WAAAAAAAAY BACK! If I get scared or think things are getting boring I will literally push a guy away from me and hope that he'll break up with me so I don't end up looking like the jerk.

Boyfriend #1-Andre: So Andre aka Speedy was my very first real boyfriend. We met when we were like 13, but didn't start dating until we were 14. He was what you would refer to the homie-lover-friend minus the loving. LOL! Sorry. But yeah, he was my bestie and I loved being his girlfriend. We talked about everything, hung out all the time, and of course made out. The only thing with Speedy was his lack of ambition. I mean there was none. And as I got older from the 13 year old girl he met in our apartments I realized that while I had dreams and wanted to do something with my life, he was content in the here and now of life, not looking forward to the future. He let his mom tell him what his life would be like, and it didn't include college or a bright future. The alarm as I like to refer to it, instantly went off. We dated up until a little after my senior year in high school. I allowed myself to make up every excuse to push him away. I even went the extra mile to be hateful and use words that I knew would hurt him just to make sure the damage would be enough for him to dump me. NOT, he continued to "fight" for our "love" and I ended up breaking up with him via this text: "SO....yeah this isn't working anymore. Don't call me anymore, and I won't call you." Real childish right? I know, I know. So what I learned by dating him for 4 years was: I will NEVER date anyone who wasn't as equally ambitious about life as I was. Then I met Dondra.....

Boyfriend #2-Dondra: Oh Dondra....where do I begin! So I met Dondra right before my 20th birthday on April Fool's Day (message). He was short! LOL! And he had on a bow tie! LMBO! So what attracted me to this dude?  He was sweet in the way he approached me, and talked to me. And it was easy for me to decipher his bs from his sincerity. Well after about 3 weeks of cordial conversations and hanging out....I decided to lose my virginity to him. Why I chose him, I'll never know. Anyhoo....after that night. Things between me and Dondra got pretty hot and heavy. But I started noticing small things he would say to me and his subtle suggestions. And after a while, it felt like he was trying to convince me to be something that I wasn't. ***DING DING DING****The alarm went off again. I'm not sure if he was trying to change me or not, but I didn't like the feeling of it. So of course we hooked up one last time on his birthday, and never returned another phone call or text message. I quit him cold turkey! What I learned for this almost year and a half relationship: I WILL NEVER CHANGE THE KEISHIA I AM TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!!!! So once I was done with him, my boy showed up...in a very unexpected form!

Boyfriend #3-My Boy: **exhales and smiles** Now my boy is a totally different case. First and foremost, we went to high school together and I didn't know he even existed. But trust me when I say, if we had met in high school, I would have never EVER dated him. So there was a time right after high school that I was really into computers and thought maybe this is what I want to do with my life. I enrolled at ITT. While there I met my boy. Of course I still didn't think that he was the dating type. After about a year at ITT, I realize that computers are pretty boring and I peaced out. My boy and I kept in contact via email. One night after me and my fam decided to go to Senses (it used to be poppin!) and I invited my boy with the intentions of hooking him up with my sister's co-worker(HA). So when we got to the club and I saw him....WHOA! He wasn't the same lame looking, book bag carrying, broken ankle dude I remembered from ITT. He had gained a little weight which suited him well, and he actually looked cute. UH OH....I was in trouble. From that night on we talked and emailed on a regular basis. Now this is where it got complicated. We were obviously feeling each other, so when I thought the time was right, I was making a move for some sexual healing! DO YOU KNOW THIS N-WORD TOLD ME HE WASN'T HAVING SEX UNLESS HE WAS IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP??? I thought...oh lord he's gay! LOL! But even with knowing that we couldn't go there he was still the most attractive guy (emotionally that is) that I've ever met. So after months of hanging out, we didn't decide to be exclusive until April 22, 2006. Less than 24 hours later, I wished I didn't make that decision. I was terribly depressed over the death of my brother and my boy was the only light at the end of the tunnel. And that's how I knew I loved him. Here we are still together almost 4 years later, and I find myself slowly creeping back to my old ways because my relationship scares the crap out of me. I really think he's the one, but I'm not ready for that...or am I? What I'm learning from being with him is: it takes two people to be in a relationship. That's 50/50. And I should be willing to give more than I take physically and emotionally.

Me and my boy we've been arguing like crazy this last year. Mostly because I figure out ways to push his buttons to test him. But don't get it twisted he has his jerk moments that I can't stand. But I really don't want to push this one away. He's such a good guy. But at times, I wonder if I'm capable of being the girlfriend he truly deserves.