First and foremost, happy new year! I can't believe it's 2011 already, where did the time go???
As I write my first entry of the new year, I'm a proud mother of a 2 week old baby girl, Rylee McKenzie Greer! And let me tell you something about being a mother; although I'm brand spankin' new at it, it is a challenge. I've found myself completely wrapped up in my daughter. Nothing else matters to me. People have already started asking me if I plan to have another, and the answer to that question at this very moment is, NO!!! My mom says I'm just saying that because it's so early, but I'm not sure I'm just saying it. I believe deep in my heart, that more children are not in my future. The physical pain that I endured to bring my daughter into this world, was nothing compared to the emotional rollercoaster I was on for 9 months. Heck, I'm still on it. I can't seem to get off. I walk around so numb at times not feeling anything for anybody, but Rylee. My diet has changed dramatically, in a sense that I'm not eating most days. I'm tired beyond measure, but the thing that's changed the most is my relationship with my boy.
UGH!!! I really don't like him...AT ALL!!! Don't get me wrong, I love him. He's part of the reason I have my little lady bug. But I feel like he's suffocating us (not only him, but his family too). I was ready to give up on this relationship very recently, but due to the fact that I can't think of myself when making these decisions, I decided to bite the bullet. I hate the fact that the only reason I'm still here is because, my daughter deserves something I never had, a father in her life. She deserves to have her dad around all the time, not just when it's convenient for him. And as much as I want that for her, I want my own sense of happiness as well. And at this very moment, I don't find that happiness here with him. My sister and my mom have both offered the same advice, seek GOD and ask him to guide your steps. And I do that, I pray and ask the LORD to keep me from making the wrong decision and for peace of mind. I know that in time he will reveal to me exactly what it is I'm to do in this situation, so for now, I remain patient...and unhappy.
