Resurrecting "Jody"

I look out the window, and the sun is shining brilliantly today! And it inspires me to smile and have a wonderful day! But then just as quick as my smile appears on my face, a certain sadness creeps up trying to steal away my joy. I go back and forth with this sadness and I eventually defeat it, but I can’t help but feel like the sadness isn’t gone away, but instead it’s just idly sitting by waiting for the sun to set so it can have it’s fair chance to “shine”. This sadness that lingers around my heart comes from a recurring dream I’ve had since I moved out of my mom’s house a year ago.

Different circumstances each time, but definitely the same dream…..

This last dream I had was the one that had me waking up in tears. My mom had just purchased a beautiful house and was having a family gathering to showcase what she described in the dream as her perfect little nest. During this family gathering, I got a taste for some candy (which is very realistic) and decided I was going to head to the store to buy some candy. Well before I could get one arm in my jacket good, in true black family fashion, people started calling off stuff for me to bring back for them. And in true Keishia fashion, I complained but did as I was asked. I come back in the house with arms full of crap from beer to ice to the initial reason I went to the store…my candy. Well he approaches me, “Did you get my snickers?” I sigh, “I forgot to get it. I keep forgetting that you’re back now. My bad. You can have some of mine. I’ll share it with you.” He complains, but takes it any way. Later that night once every one else is gone. There are only three people left in the house. We’re cleaning up, when he throws something across the room and hits me accidentally. I leap across the room and attack him like a lion on a gazelle. We’re giggling and fighting then my mom screams from the kitchen, “ANTHONY AND LAKEISHIA…I don’t know what ya’ll are doing but if you break it, you bought it!” We laugh really hard, because my mom tries to be tough, but she’s a true softy. I hug him and tell him I’m glad he’s back. We missed him so much!

*pause*

Anybody who really knows me knows who Anthony is. Anthony is my big brother. He died almost 4 years ago. *if its fine with you, I don’t really want to get into further than that* Randomly I’ll have these dreams where he came back from the dead, and re-entered our lives like nothing happened. The first time I had one of these dreams, I blamed it on me missing my brother like crazy. But the more I started having them (there has been a total of 7 to date), I’m confused on the reason that I have them. I really want to talk to my mom about these dreams, but I’m afraid to. I don’t want to tell my mother that I frequently have dreams about the only son she’s ever had, coming back to us from the dead. First I already know what she’s going to say, “Well baby, I know you miss your brother. I miss him too. And it’s never easy letting go of someone you love.” But inside I feel like every time I bring him up to her, I’m rubbing it in her face. I mean, yes, I lost my brother; but my mother lost HER ONLY SON.

*confession* The feelings I have behind my brother’s death was my reason for blogging. But I’m thinking that blogging isn’t enough. It might just be time to talk to a professional and figure how to channel these emotions. Because crying in the shower, then shoving the emotions to the back burner isn’t working any more.

Gah… I MISS HIM!!!