I meant to write this yesterday, but just wasn't up to it. I've been thinking about this for a very long time and now I feel it's time to express myself. Religion....
I was raised in a Baptist church all of my life. When I was younger, my mom would always make sure I was in church; she wanted to make sure that I established a healthy relationship with GOD at a young age, so that the relationship later on in life. For most of my teenage years, I was a decent church-goer. I'm not going to say I would go every Sunday, but I was there. When I got into my senior year of high school is when it hit me...most people who go to church were NOT going for the same reason I was going. I won't name the church it was, but I attended a church with some friends in school, because honestly it made me more comfortable to go to church with my peers...since it seemed we all had the same ideas and beliefs. There was this one Sunday where the pastor was on a mission trip overseas. When I woke up that Sunday morning, I prepared myself for a WONDERFUL day of worship even though the head pastor was not there....WRONG! Keep in mind , this church is normally packed to capacity and people would almost fight to sit in the front seats. But this Sunday it was so quiet you could hear a mouse pee on the cotton part of a Q-Tip in a basement next to an old washer on the spin cycle! THERE WASN'T EVEN HALF OF THE CHURCH FILLED! So I'm like...whoa! Where is everybody, and why does everyone look like we're at a funeral? On the ride home, one of my friend's actually had the nerve to say, "Man, next time pastor leaves, I'm going with her. Church sucks when she's gone!" **PAUSE** I thought we came to church to fellowship with people who have the same beliefs as we do, and to hear GOD's word..no matter who is delivering it?
I stopped going to church on a regular basis after that Sunday, because things were slowly being revealed to me the longer I stayed there. This was in 2004. After I officially stopped going to church I made a vow that I would NOT go to church unless, GOD lead me to it. I will not go to church to sit around people I may or may not like, I will not go to a church where church stops because the pastor of choice isn't there, and I will not go to a church where I don't feel welcomed. After that, the next time I stepped foot inside a church was in 2006 for my brother's funeral(I'll probably mention the week of his last days on earth up until his funeral a lot. Some wounds never really heal.)Here it is the ending of 2009, and I haven't been back in a church. The reason I don't go now, is because I'm not sure what I really believe anymore.
I do know that, I've got to get closer to GOD. And everyday, I realize this just a little more. People think just because you don't go to church, you're not religious. Well to them I say, I know GOD...GOD knows me. And for a long time, that was good enough for me. But the older I get, the stronger I feel about this. I have something to offer this world, but I can show it to you, until GOD shows it to me. So I've done some self reflecting and came up with this answer. I'm going back to where I started from...and that's with GOD...so I can get to where I'm going.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Reflections
So last night with the news of one of my scummies getting married (still giggling at the thought) I started thinking about my love life. I'm 24 years old, I've only had 3 serious relationships (I'm talking life changing relationships), and 6 sexual partners. But within those three serious relationships, I find myself repeating a pattern: PUSH EM BACK, PUSH EM BACK......WAAAAAAAAY BACK! If I get scared or think things are getting boring I will literally push a guy away from me and hope that he'll break up with me so I don't end up looking like the jerk.
Boyfriend #1-Andre: So Andre aka Speedy was my very first real boyfriend. We met when we were like 13, but didn't start dating until we were 14. He was what you would refer to the homie-lover-friend minus the loving. LOL! Sorry. But yeah, he was my bestie and I loved being his girlfriend. We talked about everything, hung out all the time, and of course made out. The only thing with Speedy was his lack of ambition. I mean there was none. And as I got older from the 13 year old girl he met in our apartments I realized that while I had dreams and wanted to do something with my life, he was content in the here and now of life, not looking forward to the future. He let his mom tell him what his life would be like, and it didn't include college or a bright future. The alarm as I like to refer to it, instantly went off. We dated up until a little after my senior year in high school. I allowed myself to make up every excuse to push him away. I even went the extra mile to be hateful and use words that I knew would hurt him just to make sure the damage would be enough for him to dump me. NOT, he continued to "fight" for our "love" and I ended up breaking up with him via this text: "SO....yeah this isn't working anymore. Don't call me anymore, and I won't call you." Real childish right? I know, I know. So what I learned by dating him for 4 years was: I will NEVER date anyone who wasn't as equally ambitious about life as I was. Then I met Dondra.....
Boyfriend #2-Dondra: Oh Dondra....where do I begin! So I met Dondra right before my 20th birthday on April Fool's Day (message). He was short! LOL! And he had on a bow tie! LMBO! So what attracted me to this dude? He was sweet in the way he approached me, and talked to me. And it was easy for me to decipher his bs from his sincerity. Well after about 3 weeks of cordial conversations and hanging out....I decided to lose my virginity to him. Why I chose him, I'll never know. Anyhoo....after that night. Things between me and Dondra got pretty hot and heavy. But I started noticing small things he would say to me and his subtle suggestions. And after a while, it felt like he was trying to convince me to be something that I wasn't. ***DING DING DING****The alarm went off again. I'm not sure if he was trying to change me or not, but I didn't like the feeling of it. So of course we hooked up one last time on his birthday, and never returned another phone call or text message. I quit him cold turkey! What I learned for this almost year and a half relationship: I WILL NEVER CHANGE THE KEISHIA I AM TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!!!! So once I was done with him, my boy showed up...in a very unexpected form!
Boyfriend #3-My Boy: **exhales and smiles** Now my boy is a totally different case. First and foremost, we went to high school together and I didn't know he even existed. But trust me when I say, if we had met in high school, I would have never EVER dated him. So there was a time right after high school that I was really into computers and thought maybe this is what I want to do with my life. I enrolled at ITT. While there I met my boy. Of course I still didn't think that he was the dating type. After about a year at ITT, I realize that computers are pretty boring and I peaced out. My boy and I kept in contact via email. One night after me and my fam decided to go to Senses (it used to be poppin!) and I invited my boy with the intentions of hooking him up with my sister's co-worker(HA). So when we got to the club and I saw him....WHOA! He wasn't the same lame looking, book bag carrying, broken ankle dude I remembered from ITT. He had gained a little weight which suited him well, and he actually looked cute. UH OH....I was in trouble. From that night on we talked and emailed on a regular basis. Now this is where it got complicated. We were obviously feeling each other, so when I thought the time was right, I was making a move for some sexual healing! DO YOU KNOW THIS N-WORD TOLD ME HE WASN'T HAVING SEX UNLESS HE WAS IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP??? I thought...oh lord he's gay! LOL! But even with knowing that we couldn't go there he was still the most attractive guy (emotionally that is) that I've ever met. So after months of hanging out, we didn't decide to be exclusive until April 22, 2006. Less than 24 hours later, I wished I didn't make that decision. I was terribly depressed over the death of my brother and my boy was the only light at the end of the tunnel. And that's how I knew I loved him. Here we are still together almost 4 years later, and I find myself slowly creeping back to my old ways because my relationship scares the crap out of me. I really think he's the one, but I'm not ready for that...or am I? What I'm learning from being with him is: it takes two people to be in a relationship. That's 50/50. And I should be willing to give more than I take physically and emotionally.
Me and my boy we've been arguing like crazy this last year. Mostly because I figure out ways to push his buttons to test him. But don't get it twisted he has his jerk moments that I can't stand. But I really don't want to push this one away. He's such a good guy. But at times, I wonder if I'm capable of being the girlfriend he truly deserves.
Boyfriend #1-Andre: So Andre aka Speedy was my very first real boyfriend. We met when we were like 13, but didn't start dating until we were 14. He was what you would refer to the homie-lover-friend minus the loving. LOL! Sorry. But yeah, he was my bestie and I loved being his girlfriend. We talked about everything, hung out all the time, and of course made out. The only thing with Speedy was his lack of ambition. I mean there was none. And as I got older from the 13 year old girl he met in our apartments I realized that while I had dreams and wanted to do something with my life, he was content in the here and now of life, not looking forward to the future. He let his mom tell him what his life would be like, and it didn't include college or a bright future. The alarm as I like to refer to it, instantly went off. We dated up until a little after my senior year in high school. I allowed myself to make up every excuse to push him away. I even went the extra mile to be hateful and use words that I knew would hurt him just to make sure the damage would be enough for him to dump me. NOT, he continued to "fight" for our "love" and I ended up breaking up with him via this text: "SO....yeah this isn't working anymore. Don't call me anymore, and I won't call you." Real childish right? I know, I know. So what I learned by dating him for 4 years was: I will NEVER date anyone who wasn't as equally ambitious about life as I was. Then I met Dondra.....
Boyfriend #2-Dondra: Oh Dondra....where do I begin! So I met Dondra right before my 20th birthday on April Fool's Day (message). He was short! LOL! And he had on a bow tie! LMBO! So what attracted me to this dude? He was sweet in the way he approached me, and talked to me. And it was easy for me to decipher his bs from his sincerity. Well after about 3 weeks of cordial conversations and hanging out....I decided to lose my virginity to him. Why I chose him, I'll never know. Anyhoo....after that night. Things between me and Dondra got pretty hot and heavy. But I started noticing small things he would say to me and his subtle suggestions. And after a while, it felt like he was trying to convince me to be something that I wasn't. ***DING DING DING****The alarm went off again. I'm not sure if he was trying to change me or not, but I didn't like the feeling of it. So of course we hooked up one last time on his birthday, and never returned another phone call or text message. I quit him cold turkey! What I learned for this almost year and a half relationship: I WILL NEVER CHANGE THE KEISHIA I AM TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!!!! So once I was done with him, my boy showed up...in a very unexpected form!
Boyfriend #3-My Boy: **exhales and smiles** Now my boy is a totally different case. First and foremost, we went to high school together and I didn't know he even existed. But trust me when I say, if we had met in high school, I would have never EVER dated him. So there was a time right after high school that I was really into computers and thought maybe this is what I want to do with my life. I enrolled at ITT. While there I met my boy. Of course I still didn't think that he was the dating type. After about a year at ITT, I realize that computers are pretty boring and I peaced out. My boy and I kept in contact via email. One night after me and my fam decided to go to Senses (it used to be poppin!) and I invited my boy with the intentions of hooking him up with my sister's co-worker(HA). So when we got to the club and I saw him....WHOA! He wasn't the same lame looking, book bag carrying, broken ankle dude I remembered from ITT. He had gained a little weight which suited him well, and he actually looked cute. UH OH....I was in trouble. From that night on we talked and emailed on a regular basis. Now this is where it got complicated. We were obviously feeling each other, so when I thought the time was right, I was making a move for some sexual healing! DO YOU KNOW THIS N-WORD TOLD ME HE WASN'T HAVING SEX UNLESS HE WAS IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP??? I thought...oh lord he's gay! LOL! But even with knowing that we couldn't go there he was still the most attractive guy (emotionally that is) that I've ever met. So after months of hanging out, we didn't decide to be exclusive until April 22, 2006. Less than 24 hours later, I wished I didn't make that decision. I was terribly depressed over the death of my brother and my boy was the only light at the end of the tunnel. And that's how I knew I loved him. Here we are still together almost 4 years later, and I find myself slowly creeping back to my old ways because my relationship scares the crap out of me. I really think he's the one, but I'm not ready for that...or am I? What I'm learning from being with him is: it takes two people to be in a relationship. That's 50/50. And I should be willing to give more than I take physically and emotionally.
Me and my boy we've been arguing like crazy this last year. Mostly because I figure out ways to push his buttons to test him. But don't get it twisted he has his jerk moments that I can't stand. But I really don't want to push this one away. He's such a good guy. But at times, I wonder if I'm capable of being the girlfriend he truly deserves.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Marriage
Webster defines the word marriage as the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and CONTRACTUAL relationship recognized by law. Nowhere in that definition was the word LOVE mentioned. (guess loving the person you marry is just a perk).
I know what you're thinking, 'You're still a young tenderoni, why are you thinking about marriage?' Well how can I not think about marriage when it's the only thing that seems to be lingering around my life like the stench of a freshly run over skunk! In the past 2 years, I've witnessed 6 engagements, 4 weddings, 1 engaged couple break off the engagement, and 1 divorce. So I'm like, YO....what the heck is going on. It seems that in this "recession" the only thing people have to do is make babies and get married. But I'm not knocking anyone for getting married IF they're truly in LOVE. And that my dear babies is the missing element....LOVE! The love has been lost in marriages for as long as I can remember. I was not fortunate to grow up around a marriage that involved LOVE. Now of course I want to get married one day. Most people my age don't want to embrace the thought of marriage because they wanna live their young lives "smashing the homies" and partying. (nothing wrong with either...to a certain extent). But deep down, EVERY man or woman thinks about the marriage life at one point or another. But then there's the scary idea of being with one person for the REST OF YOUR LIFE(insert horror movie music here). Being with and dedicating your life to ONE person shouldn't scare people away from the idea of marriage. If anything, I think it should motivate the relationship to continue to be the best. Knowing that the person I'm married to doesn't want to be with anyone but me, is definitely something I'd be proud of.
Just sayin....
(p.s.-Stop denying yourself the LOVE you deserve. The further you run from it, the longer it takes to catch up to you. Next thing you know, you're still running and LOVE has stopped chasing you!)
I know what you're thinking, 'You're still a young tenderoni, why are you thinking about marriage?' Well how can I not think about marriage when it's the only thing that seems to be lingering around my life like the stench of a freshly run over skunk! In the past 2 years, I've witnessed 6 engagements, 4 weddings, 1 engaged couple break off the engagement, and 1 divorce. So I'm like, YO....what the heck is going on. It seems that in this "recession" the only thing people have to do is make babies and get married. But I'm not knocking anyone for getting married IF they're truly in LOVE. And that my dear babies is the missing element....LOVE! The love has been lost in marriages for as long as I can remember. I was not fortunate to grow up around a marriage that involved LOVE. Now of course I want to get married one day. Most people my age don't want to embrace the thought of marriage because they wanna live their young lives "smashing the homies" and partying. (nothing wrong with either...to a certain extent). But deep down, EVERY man or woman thinks about the marriage life at one point or another. But then there's the scary idea of being with one person for the REST OF YOUR LIFE(insert horror movie music here). Being with and dedicating your life to ONE person shouldn't scare people away from the idea of marriage. If anything, I think it should motivate the relationship to continue to be the best. Knowing that the person I'm married to doesn't want to be with anyone but me, is definitely something I'd be proud of.
Just sayin....
(p.s.-Stop denying yourself the LOVE you deserve. The further you run from it, the longer it takes to catch up to you. Next thing you know, you're still running and LOVE has stopped chasing you!)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
OMG! Where Did My Weekend GO?!?!
Well.... thought I would do a little writing before I get into the third installment of the Twilight Saga (TEAM EDWARD....WHOO!) Dang, even writing that makes me sound like a 14 year old book worm. LOL! Anyhoo....this weekend went by in a blur that I'm not even sure it was the weekend. It felt more like Wednesday and Thursday.
So Saturday I worked at a cheer competition and actually enjoyed working it. The co-workers that I'm closest to were there(minus Paige) along with the sexiest deputy known to man. Shout out to M.I. But that wasn't the highlight of the day. There was a married man who was at the competition. I've seen him around some of our events before, and I recognized him by face only. Every time me and this dude run into each other, we smile, speak, and move on. So yesterday I'm doing my duty when he walks up to me and says hi, but uses my name! PAUSE....sir, I never told you my name. According to him, at one of the past events we worked, I told him my name. I think the nigga's lying but whatever. So for some reason, I find myself REALLY flirting with this married man. Oh yeah, did we discuss he also has a 4 month old son? YEAH! I've recently been told that flirting comes natural to me, so I guess it doesn't matter whether the man is married or not, I just flirt! So this got me to thinking....when I get married, will I be able to turn off the flirting. Because I know for sure that if I was married, I wouldn't want my significant other out flirting with other women. I kind of feel bad for flirting with some woman and some baby boy's father. But then again....it was only flirting. Not like I would sleep with him!
And then there's Sunday....nothing eventful.....just work and homework. (SCHOOL IS THE DEVIL!) I did get to spend a little time with my "boy" although his sister chose to join us on our date night. UGH...annoying. And I have entire blog I want to dedicate to that, but tonight is not the time. I think I'm going to grab this book and then crash.
Love, peace, and hair grease!
So Saturday I worked at a cheer competition and actually enjoyed working it. The co-workers that I'm closest to were there(minus Paige) along with the sexiest deputy known to man. Shout out to M.I. But that wasn't the highlight of the day. There was a married man who was at the competition. I've seen him around some of our events before, and I recognized him by face only. Every time me and this dude run into each other, we smile, speak, and move on. So yesterday I'm doing my duty when he walks up to me and says hi, but uses my name! PAUSE....sir, I never told you my name. According to him, at one of the past events we worked, I told him my name. I think the nigga's lying but whatever. So for some reason, I find myself REALLY flirting with this married man. Oh yeah, did we discuss he also has a 4 month old son? YEAH! I've recently been told that flirting comes natural to me, so I guess it doesn't matter whether the man is married or not, I just flirt! So this got me to thinking....when I get married, will I be able to turn off the flirting. Because I know for sure that if I was married, I wouldn't want my significant other out flirting with other women. I kind of feel bad for flirting with some woman and some baby boy's father. But then again....it was only flirting. Not like I would sleep with him!
And then there's Sunday....nothing eventful.....just work and homework. (SCHOOL IS THE DEVIL!) I did get to spend a little time with my "boy" although his sister chose to join us on our date night. UGH...annoying. And I have entire blog I want to dedicate to that, but tonight is not the time. I think I'm going to grab this book and then crash.
Love, peace, and hair grease!
Friday, November 6, 2009
Here Goes Nothing....
Well I finally decided to do this! Shout out to my friend for being my inspiration for actually starting my blog!
Honestly, the reason for me starting this blog is for pure personal gain. I'm hoping that this will save me the $50 copay for going to see a therapist. Although, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get more out of a therapist. My life is like the saddest movie at times. I laugh so often that I actually believe I'm the happiest person I know. BUT IT'S ALL A LIE! I have the same problems that you have, I'm sure, but my reactions to my problems is what separates us. Here lately the sounds of my sobs seem to be my own little personal lullaby; slowly and calmly putting me to sleep every night. But with every new day, I learn to perfect my craft for letting the world see my acting skills go to work. I'm sure when people look at me they see someone who is smart, funny, caring, and strong. YOU'RE ALL WRONG! I'm a mess and it's finally catching up to me.
Don't worry, this blog won't be all about how messed up I am, sometimes my happiness is genuine and I'll share those moments too. I plan to totally free myself up through this. Hope it works.....
Honestly, the reason for me starting this blog is for pure personal gain. I'm hoping that this will save me the $50 copay for going to see a therapist. Although, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get more out of a therapist. My life is like the saddest movie at times. I laugh so often that I actually believe I'm the happiest person I know. BUT IT'S ALL A LIE! I have the same problems that you have, I'm sure, but my reactions to my problems is what separates us. Here lately the sounds of my sobs seem to be my own little personal lullaby; slowly and calmly putting me to sleep every night. But with every new day, I learn to perfect my craft for letting the world see my acting skills go to work. I'm sure when people look at me they see someone who is smart, funny, caring, and strong. YOU'RE ALL WRONG! I'm a mess and it's finally catching up to me.
Don't worry, this blog won't be all about how messed up I am, sometimes my happiness is genuine and I'll share those moments too. I plan to totally free myself up through this. Hope it works.....
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